Neurodiversity: Conversations with whānau
Conversations with whānau: Solving the riddle of the child together
On 26 May, 13 teachers got together for our Neurodiversity Working Group Zoom meeting to discuss: How do we initiate a conversation with whānau about their child’s observed signs of neurodiversity?
Rochelle Hairs was our guest speaker, sharing her expertise and lived experience on the matter. Rochelle has a background in nursing, was previously a playgroup coordinator in Australia before becoming an Extra Lesson teacher, and is also the mother of a neurodivergent teenager.
Rochelle proposed opening the conversation by adopting a “beyond the behaviour” framework when observing children. This framework understands behaviours as a form of communication. Conversations with parents could centre on the behaviours that have been noticed and explore together why a child might be behaving in a certain way in particular situations.
As educators, we can ask ourselves: What is the behaviour we are seeing, and what need is being expressed through that behaviour? It is not about a child “being naughty” but rather about a child trying to meet a need in the only way they know how.
Focusing on behaviour as communication can help parents and teachers work collaboratively to understand the underlying need and respond accordingly. When adults work together to understand and support a child in having their needs met—in a socially acceptable way and in the right time and place—things can begin to shift.
Looking at children’s behaviour as a way of meeting a sensory need can help teachers and parents find strategies that support the child in achieving a sense of balance without shaming or admonishing them.
Could hitting be a child’s way of learning about themselves and the space around them? Perhaps they are seeking proprioceptive stimulation (activities that require the body to push, pull, lift, chew, or bear weight). Understanding this could help us suggest a “heavy work” activity to redirect the behaviour, such as fetching and chopping wood, moving furniture, lying under a weighted blanket, shifting sand, or carrying water in the sandpit.
Could spinning be a way of developing a child’s vestibular sense? We could provide opportunities for spinning that are both safe and enjoyable - out in the playground, on a sensory swing or a vestibular chair.
If a child regularly hides when overwhelmed, could we provide a safe place for them to go to? Some kindergartens have a quiet space in the office; some classrooms have a hideaway nook or box where children can retreat when needed.
If a child is presenting with a repeated schema (a pattern of repeated actions or behaviours through which children explore, make sense of, and build mental models of the world around them), such as throwing objects, we could consider how to redirect that behaviour to an activity, or to a time and place where that sensory need can be met. For example, a designated “throwing corner” could be created in the garden, park, or forest.
It is important not to shame a child for the sensory behaviours or strategies they are using.
Giving a child a special task as a way of redirecting behaviour can be helpful. Often, children are not ready in the moment to hear an explanation about why they should share or use gentle hands, and reminders may not be effective. Once they are regulated and calm again, it may be possible to explore how they can make things right. Depending on the situation, it may also be helpful to speak with the parent first.
We also touched on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Persistent Drive for Autonomy). For some children, experiencing their autonomy as being under threat can be dysregulating. Offering “closed choices” can help move things along. For example, if you want a child to wash their hands before coming to the table, you could ask, “Would you like to wash your hands here in the classroom or in the bathroom?”
Ultimately, children want to be seen, understood, and loved for who they are.
Traceylee shared about a framework called “Say What You See”, which is built on connection, validation, and strengths.
When talking with parents and whānau, Melanie shared that, from her experience as a mother, it was always helpful when a teacher asked, “How are things at home?” Sometimes this can lead to a deeper understanding of what is happening for the child and allow us to respond more effectively.
It is important for parents to feel safe and not judged during conversations about their child. One way to begin a conversation might be: “I’ve noticed … This is what we’ve started doing. Do you notice this at home? What do you do to help?” It is important to make time for these conversations with whānau and to have the courage to “say what you see” in a respectful way, working together to solve the riddle of the child.
Our discussion highlighted the importance of approaching children’s behaviour with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to look beyond what we see on the surface. By viewing behaviour as communication and building trusting partnerships with parents and whānau, we can work together to better understand each child’s unique needs and strengths. These conversations are not always easy, but when they are grounded in respect, empathy, and a shared commitment to supporting the child, they can open pathways to greater understanding, appropriate support, and positive outcomes for children and their families.
Further Resources:
https://www.languageoflistening.com/about/
https://www.beyondthebehaviour.com.au/
From the Neurodiversity Working Group facilitated by Laura Lopez and Danica Ondrusova